And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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