Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
