OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
