She's JV to your varsity
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
