We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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