Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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