I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
