If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
