chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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