I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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