I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
