you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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