I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
The power of my boobs compel you
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
