A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
