I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize
