someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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