Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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