That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
