I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
