24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
