mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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