Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
