What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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