Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
