she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize