every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
