I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
