Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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