Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
