just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Randomize
