Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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