The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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