The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
