I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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