He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
