She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize