i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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