how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
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