This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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