i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
