dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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