You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize