Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
