Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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