every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
We have started to decorate penises.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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