so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize