I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
