You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
