Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
