she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
