I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
why do cheetos always look like penises
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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