he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
