I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize