How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
